George Carlin Quotes: 30 Observations by Carlin

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."



* If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.


* Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.


* Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.


* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


* Always do whatever's next.


* When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.


* Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.


* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

ALSO at DBKP: * George Carlin: Comedian Dead at 71 * George Carlin: Twelve Amusing Questions by Carlin * George Carlin Quotes: 30 Observations by Carlin

* When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.


* Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.


* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


* You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.


* One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.


* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.


* I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.


* Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


* Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.


* May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.


* I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.


* Women like silent men; they think they're listening.


* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."


* I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.


* Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.


* I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.


* If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.


* I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.


* There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.


* The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.


* Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.


by Mondoreb
Sources:
* George Carlin Quotes
* George Carlin Quotes
* lesliehawes

George Carlin: Twelve Humorous George Carlin Questions

George Carlin asked some good questions. But, did anyone ever come up with any answers to them?

Comedian George Carlin is dead at 71 of heart failure. Although his humor in his later years became unfunny to some, Carlin made some telling observations--and asked some sly questions--especially earlier in his career.

We now present 12 questions asked by Carlin.


1 When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

2 When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

3 Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

4 When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

5 Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

6 Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

7 Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

8 If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

9 Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

10 What if there were no hypothetical questions?

11 I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

12 "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

How many of the 12 questions were you able to answer?

ALSO at DBKP.com:
* George Carlin: Comedian Dead at 71

compiled by Mondoreb
image: themediamademecrazy
Sources:
* George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin: Dead at 71

George Carlin, of the "seven words you can't say on television" fame, died of heart failure Sunday. Carlin was admitted to St. John's Health Center in Santa Monica and died shortly before 6 pm, according to reports.

Carlin had a history of heart problems and was admitted after complaining of chest pains. He was 71.

He earned five Emmy nominations, as well as several gold records.

The comedian, who toured college campuses for years and made a name for himself using dirty language and delivering biting social commentaries, had released 22 solo albums and three bestselling books.

He finished a show at The Orleans in Las Vegas last week and was planning to take the month off to relax and work on a new book of essays and musings, Abraham said.

Carlin normally took summers off and was scheduled to begin touring again beginning with a July 20 performance at Humphrey's Concerts By The Bay in San Diego. He had dates lined up through December, Abraham said.

"He was looking forward to it," his publicist, Jeff Abraham said.

Carlin went to the hospital Sunday afternoon because "his heart just didn't feel right," the publicist said.

Carlin was famous for such observations as, "Why is it you park in a driveway and drive on parkway?"

"There are three ingredients in my comedy," he said in a 1991 interview with the Los Angeles Times. "Those three things which wax and wane in importance are English language and wordplay; secondly, mundane, everyday observational comedy -- dogs, cats and all that stuff; and thirdly, sociopolitical attitude comedy."

According to some sources, Carlin's observations, especially his political ones, seemed to have grown more bitter with age.

George Carlin, Rest in Peace.

by Mondoreb
image: comedycentral
Source:
* * George Carlin Farewell